by Joshua Figuiera

STAFF WRITER

In case you haven't heard, they're planning on holding a presidential election next year. Okay, so maybe it's not exactly breaking news. Television and radio waves have been flooded with speculation about the 2008 presidential race since, approximately, November 3, 2004. But for all the hubbub about that election, you might be surprised to find out there's another election taking place, and this one is happening in just over three weeks' time right here in Tooele County.

If you weren't aware, you're not alone.

In a highly unscientific lunchtime poll of 18- to 56-year-olds who were eating at Panda Express on Wednesday, less than half of those polled knew there was a primary election being held on Sept. 11 for the Grantsville and Tooele city council races. What's more, only one of the individuals surveyed could name any of the candidates.

I don't know about you, but if I were a candidate for office, I would be concerned about what those numbers tell me. For starters, they tell me that somewhere along the line, the majority of the 15 candidates vying for six open seats between the two cities have failed to get their message out. Not only that, they've failed to get their names out. Now, I'm no statistician, but I'm willing to bet that your odds of winning an election decrease significantly if, say, no one actually knows you are running.

But to any city council candidate who has read these startling statistics and is now considering throwing in the towel before the match begins, I say take heart. I have taken it upon myself, as the staff writer covering the political beat at the Transcript-Bulletin, to rectify the situation. So with a little help from a few prominent politicians past and present, and without further ado, I proudly present the 2007 Tooele County candidate's guide to distancing yourself from the pack, in four easy steps.

Step 1: Have a really cool name

Having a cool name is the best and easiest way to distinguish yourself from a crowd of political contenders. Take for instance Illinois senator and presidential candidate Barrack Obama, who is poised to take over Hillary Clinton's place as the democratic front-runner in 2008. While some cite youth, intellect and charm as the primary reasons for Obama's growing popularity, recent polls have shown that Obama would be at a tremendous disadvantage to Clinton if his parents had chosen to name him, say, Dennis Kucinich, a decidedly less-cool name. What's in a name? It's something to think about. So far my vote for coolest name in the Tooele County races goes to Grantsville candidate DeRay Sparks, but there's still time for the other candidates to make up ground. All it takes to change your name is $34.95 and trip to the county courthouse.

Step 2: Stump

Also known as "shaking hands and kissing babies," stumping is the time-honored practice of visiting important community gatherings such as county fairs, church picnics and hardware store grand-openings dressed in a plaid shirt and ill-fitting Wranglers while making impassioned campaign speeches about important "talking points." Talking points are the issues that a candidate's platform is based on. They usually involve "taking back" something lost or "raising the bar" on some point of mediocrity. Stumping is also a chance to explain how you would vote in regards to pressing moral issues such as finally kicking Sanjaya off American Idol.

Step 3: Do something completely unrelated to politics that in no way makes you qualified to serve in public office

This strategy has worked well for several politicians in recent memory, including Jesse "The Body" Ventura (pro wrestler), Bill Bradley (basketball star) and Arnold Schwartzenegger (actor). Incidentally, the strategy appears to work in reverse as well, just ask Vice President-turned-oscar-winning-director Al Gore. If you haven't had occasion to star in a movie or go head to head with "Macho Man" Randy Savage, maybe you can just bust out your old Tooele High letterman's jacket from your chess club glory days and start wearing it around town. Just a thought.

Step 4: Don't actually run for office

Two words: Fred Thompson.

Thompson's political hokey-pokey has pundits across the country drooling at the mouth wondering "Is he in? Is he out?" While no one is completely sure where he currently stands, the polls make one thing certain: If Thompson chose to throw his hat in the ring, he could be a serious contender for the Republican nomination in '08. So, if all else fails, just keep 'em guessing.

Well, there you have it, city council candidates. Four tried-and-true methods for winning an election. If they don't get you your much-needed name recognition, I don't know what will. Now get to it, you only have three weeks left.

joshua@tooeletranscript.com